Global Warming

 Global Warming.

So here we are!

Fifteen years or so ago, enjoying a meal in Pizza Express in Canary Wharf, with my wife and friends, the conversation got around to Global Warming and the recent announcement by the Government, that by the next fifty years, they will have reduced carbon emissions to almost nil, keeping the rising world temperature down to a safe level. At this point, I said that we did not have that long before the world reached a point where we as a human race no longer exist.

It was one of those throw away comments that are designed to shock and invite deeper discussion and eyebrows were understandably raised. The pizzas at this point were thankfully served and we moved on to lighter matters and much laughter.

Those friends have become more distant, due to circumstances and we sadly don’t see them so often, but the threat of Global warming and annihilation of the human race has moved much nearer and almost at a point if not at a point where there is no return.

So the question is what will the powers that be, do as we head inexorably towards the cliff and the plunge into oblivion?

During the great war of 1914 – 18 the great and the good sat behind enemy lines, deciding, on the eve of the first battle of the Somme on the 1st of July 1916, what would be an acceptable level of loss of life; a level with which they could claim victory and satisfaction at a job well done. Could it be 30,000 men, 40,000 men? As it was over 57,000 British troops lost their life during those few days, during which my own father fought and survived.

Only recently our own Prime Minister is said to have considered the sacrifice of the over eighties among us, to Covid 19, so as to lesson the pressure on the NHS!

So what now? It is perfectly conceivable that the rich and powerful will find some way of surviving while the rest of us will, like those young lads of 1916, walk into the mists of time.

It may have been one of those throw away comments that I made all those years ago but I did suspect that as the temperatures grew hotter, the whole process of rising sea levels and destruction of forests and the environment would escalate to a speed that the experts had either not calculated or refused to recognise.

How could it be that someone like myself with little or no scientific education could be proved correct in that assumption and the people with power, who should have been well aware of the possibility, have done very little to turn back the tide? I have no doubt that there were thousands who thought the same as myself but their voices were drowned by the materialism and greed of a society that has become more and more inward looking and selfish as the years have passed.

The Pizzas were delicious and we passed them around tasting each other’s choice. We were all in our seventies. Fifty year’s time we would not be around. Somebody surely will sort it out before then, won’t they?

Vegginomics

Like many of our neighbours back at the start of lockdown I was keen to grow our own tomatoes, so after failing to get any of my ten year old seeds to germinate I invested about 30€ in small plants, which I planted in flower pots, undeterred by our complete lack of garden.  Now several months later as my labours begin to bear fruit it is time to assess the value of this enterprise.

At present the crop looks likely to be around 20 tomatoes weighing in at about 1Kg in total.

The current price of tomatoes at Carrefour is 1.79€/Kg which suggests that my efforts have yielded  1.79€, however about two thirds of my crop are the small ‘cherry’ variety which cost 3.00€/Kg so building that into the calculation the yield is more like 2.60€.  We also need to realise that my tomatoes are all grown organically with loving care and due regard to the environment etc. and Bio. tomatoes (not that I usually buy them) from Carrefour range from 1.9x to 2.9x the price of ‘conventional’ ones, if we assume an average premium of say 2.4x my prime tomato harvest is now worth 6.24€.

Now I have the feeling that you might feel 6.24€ is a poor return on an investment of 30€, but let’s not be hasty and jump to conclusions based on a narrow materialist valuation, we surely need to take a more holistic approach that recognises the wider benefits to society.

Remember first of all that this enterprise required quite a lot of my time in planting, watering, feeding and daily pep talks for my little plants, time that I might otherwise have spent consuming depressing and alarming world news on my computer.  Quite obviously this time spent in the fresh air and sunshine was a benefit to my mental and physical health that will translate into greater life expectancy and reduced costs for the health services.

Yes, of course you say, but how can we account for this boon to health and happiness?  Well it is actually not that difficult.  Value of Life estimates for developed countries range from about $4M to $10M so let’s assume a modest $6M and a life span of 80yrs which gives us $205/day.  It seems eminently reasonable that all this healthy activity will extend my lifespan by half a day at least so we should add $102.50 (90.70€) to the proceeds of the enterprise.  I already feel so much fitter that I think it very clear that there will be savings on visits to the doctor and medications so we can add another very modest €100 to the total.

Thus we can see that the real return on the 30€ investment is in the region of 196.94€, a handsome return on investment of over 650% in just a few months!

Encouraged by the success of my tomato project I have been looking around for opportunities to expand the scheme and I have noticed that since lockdown the men from the Mairie have been less attentive to weeding the village streets which now bear a weed crop worthy of harvest.  My plan therefore, which I am sure you will agree is unique, is to raise beef cattle by grazing this bounty of the pavements.

Of course yields will be low, but that is one of the main advantages of the project.  Are we not daily exhorted to eat less red meat for the good of our health?  Once all cattle rearing has been converted to urban grazing that problem will be solved, as there will be very little red meat available.  Consider too the environmental benefits.  Are we not told what vast volumes of greenhouse gasses are emitted by cattle?  Clearly urban cattle will have to be much smaller (especially to navigate the narrow streets of our village) so of course they will emit much less gas!

Unfortunately however I am forced to put the urban beef rearing project in the back lot for the moment as the UK government needs my urgent assistance with their High Speed Train project (HS2).  Current cost estimates for the project are at £90Bn and resistance from the penny-pinching British taxpayers is running high, if history is any guide even this estimate will eventually prove to be a fraction of the final cost, therefore opportunities for cost savings are slim and Boris needs my help to add value to the project.

This should not be that difficult, if all window seats are allocated to tomato plants I’m pretty sure that the carriages will work well as mobile greenhouses, allowing the whole project to be rebranded as HSG, pretty catchy eh?  PC and Green, sure to be a big vote winner.  If they liked Brexit they'll love this!  I’m also confident that the HS2 team have not even considered exploitation of the track margins which could be usefully used to graze sheep, it may be necessary to slow the trains down a little bit but then who even needs (or wants) to get to  Birmingham that quickly anyway?

So, once again we see what startling results can be achieved with a little lateral thinking and a lot of red wine.

By the way if any of you want to jump in as early investors in my 'Boeuf du Village' enterprise just send money, no need to include your name and address, I guarantee there will be no returns.

A Mask for all Seasons

Whether President Trump is all for masks or not, their use, at least in public places, looks set to become the new normal for some time to come, so why not wear something stylish that expresses your personality?  After all we don't all go around in pale blue disposable shirts or dresses do we?

A few months ago a Canadian firm, Le Galeriste, contracted with Isobel to reproduce her paintings on a range of clothing items - Wearable Art no less.  Now the company is producing a range of washable masks featuring Isobel's designs - see illustrations at left and below.

The masks can be ordered from Le Galeriste website where you can view both the original paintings and the clothing items.  The masks cost $29 for two (earning Isobel a royalty pittance).

But why stop at masks, why not splash out for a whole matching stylish ensemble?

Here are some ideas.

A 'Peaceful' but not 'Silent' Spring

Now that we are almost at the summer solstice I can hardly believe that this spring, the 'lockdown spring' has slipped past so quickly, and here, where we are so fortunate to have the Dentelles in our backyard, it has been a remarkable spring.  Throughout lockdown there was almost nobody apart from us hiking the mountains, and the peace and quiet was palpable.  It was not silence as such however, but the lack of man-made noise, no distant sounds of traffic, not sounds of machinery, no aeroplanes and no human voices.  It was as if for those few months people and machines were banished from the world and in their place we heard the calls of birds that we never heard before and we saw animals, birds and reptiles that we never noticed before, it was their world once again.

This seems to have been a very prolific spring too.  The wild flowers have been more numerous and bigger than we have ever seen before.  I'm hoping that's because the spring weather has been particularly kind and not because the flowers are picked or trampled in 'normal' years.

Still it makes one think about the impact we have on nature, there can't be much of this planet untouched by Homo sapiens, and every year there are about 75 million more of us, which is more than the population of the UK.

Celebrating the Solstice

Tomorrow, June 21st, we'll celebrate the "Fête de la Musique" here in France with free performances by bands and musicians in the squares and on the street corners of every town and village across France.  In 'normal' years this is one of the most enjoyable nights of the year with dancing in the streets and the overflowing restaurant tables spilling over the pavements, this year I imagine it might be a smaller and more restrained celebration.

The event is the product of the ideas of Maurice Fleuret who was director of music and dance in the culture ministry of Jack Lang in 1982, however the then President of the Republic François Mitterand seems to have subsequently taken most of the credit - which is hardly surprising as this must be one of the most popular decisions of any politician!

The fête is always held on June 21st on the assumption that it is the longest day or summer solstice (in the northern hemisphere), although the solstice actually occurs at 23:43 (French time) June 20th this year, so I guess that means that today is really the longest day. However, regardless of the timing of the solstice, tomorrow night is party night in France.  I'm sure there will be plenty of people celebrating and the restauranteurs will be very glad to have some customers again.

Playing 'le foot' with Platini et al

As mentioned in a blog below I have a long relationship with France, its people, and some of its companies. Indeed, one of my very earliest memories is of walking the ramparts at Carcassonne aged three. I can also recall, a couple of days later, learning to whistle as we crossed the Pyrenees to Barcelona.

But among my greatest memories of this wonderful country is of playing football against Michel Platini and other French football greats in Paris in late 1994. It happened when, as part of the multi-decade dance of despair between the advertising agency McCann-Ericksen and GM Opel, the Opel Group was transferred from Frankfurt to Paris.

One of the first things I noticed in the Levallois offices of McCann Paris (located in the lovely old building that once housed the British Hospital) was a poster announcing a football match to take place between the agency and Le Varieté Club de France. I knew that such events often involved famous celebrities and sports people so I asked around and discovered that the agency team would be playing against Mr Platini and other such Gods.

New boots

Well, as someone who had lived, breathed and dreamed football from a very young age I was not going to miss out on this! So, although my boots were still in Frankfurt (where I was briefly known at 'der British Gerd Muller' after scoring a hat-trick in an indoor tournament) I ran out and brought another pair. To their credit, the agency team was more than happy for me to take part even though I had only just been dunped on them.

The match took place at a sport ground in the west of Paris on a Sunday afternoon. As always I arrived early so I was there to see Platini stroll in. Although his career had only finished a few years previously he had already fleshed out considerably and was - at least physically - far from the graceful and inventive matchstick who had won so many games for France and Juventus in the 1980s. Even so, just watching him strike the ball as he warmed-up with a few of his old team mates was a joy. Such effortless power and precision.

The other player I recognised instantly was the winger Dominique Rocheteau because he looked exactly the same as the man whose poster had been on my bedroom wall circa 1978. He had not gained so much as half a kilo and his hair was just as long. I don't know who else took part but I believe it was mainly players from the great French team of the early to mid-80s - players like Jean Tigana and Alain Giresse. (I spotted the 'Alain Giresse Sports Ground' or some such in the town of his birth near Bordeaux recently. The sports ground was hosting a rather pathetic-looking circus. I think I saw an elephant.)

Needless to say, half the agency was, like me, determined to be part of this (some of them were nowhere to seen on wet Tuesday evenings for matches against other agencies). As such, I started the match as a substitute and watched as the old pros ran rings around the young guys from the agency. Rocheteau, in particular, took it all very seriously and ran about eagerly, determined to win by as many goals as possible. This was slightly surprising to me because he had always given the impression of being something of a playboy who would forget about football when his career was over. Platini, on the other hand, just strolled around, occasionally getting the ball then doing literally whatever he wanted to to do with it, usually things the rest of us could only dream of doing.

Nutmegged!

I got on to the pitch half way through the first half and remained there until half time. Then I think I was off-and-on during second half. I don't remember doing anything useful in a footballing sense, not least because we rarely had the ball. Unquestionably, the highlight from my point of view was being nutmegged by Rocheteau. I also remember marking Rocheteau while Platini tried to get in a cross, and thinking 'Wow! I can't believe this'.

It was all over very quickly and the Old Pros beat the Young Fools by a ridiculous margin. I shook hands with Platini and some of the other legends at the end of the game. I then became a reasonably useful part of the agency team for the rest of that season, a team that contained a couple of very good players. But not as good as Platini and Rocheteau.

Bars and Bras

I have to admit that I do feel the call of the bar - not the legal bar you understand but the alcoholic variety.  Not that I'm a 'bar fly', no, at least not for the last 50 odd years, it's just a great social environment that I'm missing after a couple of months of lockdown and I have to wonder when, if ever, we'll be able to really enjoy it again.

What I miss is not the beery bar of my student youth, when the choice of beverage (and location) was dictated by financial constraints (and ignorance) but something that I came to enjoy later in life as my preference moved from beer to martinis to wine to real wine and good food!

Along with the change in taste came the discovery of those great bars (especially in California) where one can enjoy good food, usually cooked by chefs right in front of you, and pretty decent wine - all while seated in 'intimate public privacy' at a classy bar.  Happy times.  After a while and a little observation I also discovered that what the chefs were up to was not rocket science, and that's proved to be a handy life skill!

We all know that a great bar needs more than polished mahogany, backlit bottles and shady lighting - it needs a great bartender!  Forget the 'manager' who struts around nervously trying to avoid eye contact while he figures if he'll get his bonus this month.  What we need is the real bartender who remembers your favourite tipple when you've been away for six months, always pours a little more than he should and knows what's good on the menu.

However - what's really important of course is the company!  What can I say? Choose your really good friends, better still your lover, you'll have a great time!  Forget politics, the sports scores and the boring locals! Enjoy Happy Hour!

So I suppose now you are asking "Where do the bras come into all of this?"
Well, it got you reading didn't it?
And the question is "Are bras necessary in bars?"
Answers in the comments column please