A few links to keep us smiling while isolating ...
Just some of the many jokes and videos that you have all contributed to entertain us ...
Drinking is a mans job ...
Boy, I hope I'm not going to get a whole lot of abuse for this clip for being sexist, but you have to admit the video is a hoot and these ladies are wallies - OK disadvantaged wallies, the disadvantage of course being the lack of a good university education!
Lockdown Discipline
Once again my thanks go to John for this item - only a true Scott would send this!
Unacceptable Risk
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding trip to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, “You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for just $100.”
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes.
They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, “Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home when it would be wonderful to have him buried here and you would spend only $100?”
The American diplomats reply, “Long ago a man died here and was buried here, and three days later he rose for the dead....We just can’t take the risk.”
The Last Paw ...
Just a Spoonful of Clorox
The Liar Tweets Tonight
The Wedding Photographer
The Choice
The Jog Strap
Sing along at home with Bob E. Kelley
Trump's Easter message
Official Guidance
For all our Italian speakers ...
Problems at meal time ...
Smart Cookie
A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and a ten-year-old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.
Dr. Fauci said, “I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The Pope said, “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
President Trump said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest man in The United States.” he takes one and jumps.
Hilary Clinton pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, she says tenderly, "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The child replies, "Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in The United States took my school backpack.
Words of wisdom
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers And we get really excited about car rides.
Contributions from all quarters:
You know if you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face
I don't know the source of this "Reflections on the Virus," but it's a hoot! · Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
ReplyDelete· I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
· I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
· Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
· PSA (public service announcement): every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
· Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
· I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
· This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
· So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
· Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
· (My favorite) My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
· Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
· I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
· I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Living room’’.
· Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
· Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
· Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under….
Another funny list! Again, I don't know the author...wish I did to give them credit...
ReplyDeleteJewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.
Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.
Sneezes went from "bless you" to "fuck you" real quick.
First time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw it up.
Reminder: 9 pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.
My cleaning person just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.
We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color.
What's worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy.
I've almost completed my 90 day trial of 2020. Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice.
Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth grader. And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper.Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month.
"Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower.
If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before Covid-19.